Leo’s Story

Leo was born at 1 minute past midnight on 27/07/07 weighing 7lbs after a 44-hour labour and we immediately fell in love with our beautiful healthy baby. Jo and I always said that he hung on til after midnight so instead of his birthday being 26.07.07 it would be 27.07.07 which has a nice ring to it.

The first couple of weeks he slept and fed a lot and for a first-born child we thought he was pretty easy – and then he woke up! I have lots of happy memories of Leo as a baby and in particular Daddy Wednesdays where I’d have Leo all day so Jo could have a bit of a break. We had many adventures together and I loved every minute of it.

He was a gorgeous happy little soul. We all found it difficult to adjust when the twins were born or as Leo referred to them ‘’the bruvvers”. As tough as it was I was always so proud of our three musketeers. Jo has always been an amazing mum to our three boys and she has fought every step of the way for Leo and he couldn’t have asked for a better mum.

Leo was always really affectionate and loved a hug. In order to help him with self-regulation in his younger years we came up with a system of bear hugs ranging from the most gentle to the most severe: in order these were koala hug, panda hug, black bear hug, grizzly bear hug and polar bear hug. Leo was under strict instruction to reserve the polar bear hugs for Daddy only – these were rib-crushingly painful but I’d give anything to have one of those from him right now.

Leo loved being outdoors and I’ll cherish the long walks we did together on the Cornish Coastal path and in the Mountains of Mourne in Northern Ireland. I’d hoped to climb many more mountains with Leo by my side. Leo was a deep thinker and would frequently surprise me with the depth of knowledge he had around any number of topics whether it was politics, climate change or astronomy. He had a strong social conscience and had a particular disdain for multi-nationals, Brexit voters and Trump supporters. He was far too clever for his own good and I certainly won’t miss him routinely beating me at Chess in under ten moves.

Leo had many interests and if he took an interest in something he’d go all-in and find out everything he could about that subject. He loved programming and gaming and he dreamed of being a game designer. He built his own computer and was fluent in Russian and I used to say to him that he should work towards a career in cyber security or MI6. From a young age he’d help me and his mum with anything tech related, he was our little tech expert.

Leo loved animals and through Minecraft he became obsessed with getting an axolotl. He assured me these were low maintenance animals so off we went to Herne Bay to collect one from a breeder. Leo decided to call him Gopnik which is a Russian slang term for a member of a delinquent subculture or what we might refer to as a ‘chav’. Gopnik turned out to be anything but low maintenance in that he has to have carefully controlled water conditions and temperature in his tank. Gopnik continues to be doing well in Leo’s bedroom with his £200 water filter and air conditioning unit.

The flip-side of Leo’s intelligence was his difficulty in relating to his peers. Leo always struggled to fit in at school and would frequently come home down in the dumps if he’d had a bad day. It was hard watching him struggle but he always picked himself up and went back in the next day determined to make it work.

Leo could be incredibly stubborn. If he didn’t want to do something or couldn’t see the point he’d refuse to engage. Leo had lots of brilliant teachers and support workers at school and everyone except him could see his potential. He should be going off to uni now with his whole life ahead of him.

SENCO’s at both primary and secondary schools did what they could and autism was suspected from age four onwards. Despite frequent incidents and contacts with services it took 10 years to get a formal diagnosis and by then Leo wanted nothing to do with it as he felt stigmatised by the condition as he had been bullied for being autistic his whole life. As it turned out Leo would rather be dead than autistic.

When Leo was younger we had good control over his gaming and on-line activity. Left to his own devices he’d spend hours on end in front of screens, and it was always a battle to try and get him to exercise or have some real-world contact. He was always happiest online gaming. As he got older this became more and more difficult but we felt he was mature enough to understand the consequences of excessive online activity. When he started school refusing, we did everything we could to try and get him back to school. As the crisis deepened, we realised that Leo had self-radicalised online and he had become angry, resentful and full of self-hatred. He was convinced he was ugly and that everyone hated him. We weren’t able to get through to him which is why we sought professional help.  

Jo and I will forever feel that Leo’s mental health problems were not insurmountable, and he just needed time and to be kept safe while he developed the maturity to accept his neurodivergence. Intellectually he was an adult, emotionally he was still a child.

It breaks my heart every day to think of him leaving our home in the cold, dark early hours of the morning and facing such a horrific death. I can’t fathom how much he must have hated himself to do that, and I’ll never forgive myself for not seeing the signs. Before he went into crisis, I just wanted him to do well so he could show the bullies what an amazing kid he was.

If it takes a village to raise a child then the village needs to take a long, hard look at itself. Leo’s life could have been easier if the neurodivergent were accepted for who they are and didn’t have to exhaust themselves by masking. Schools could help by assessing if children are ready for school and ready for exams rather than forcing every child through the same process based on what day in the year they were born. OFSTED could help by rating schools on how well they do on preserving children’s and teachers’ health and well-being rather than a narrow focus on exam results. Government could help by moving away from our Victorian system that only rewards children who can memorise things and regurgitate them under pressure in exams towards a system that allows children to pursue subjects they find interesting and relevant to them.

Parents need more help in getting children off smart-phones and tech platforms need to be made liable for the evil content that they allow to proliferate on-line. Finally, funding needs to be found to create safe, secure and welcoming facilities for children and families in crisis. If the tech bro’s can afford to send humans to Mars then they can afford to pay for some rehab units to undo some of the damage they have caused.

I’m super proud to be Leo’s dad and he’ll forever be my son. My life will never be the same again.  I’m sorry I couldn’t keep him safe and I’d do anything to turn back the clock. We’ll forever mourn the things we’ll never get to experience or the memories we should be continuing to make together but I made a promise at Leo’s funeral that we’d continue to live our lives to the full and that we’d keep Leo’s memory alive with us in that journey.

I’d like to thank everyone who tried to help Leo and showed him an act of kindness. If anything positive can come from Leo’s passing please just remember to be kind and always extend the hand of friendship to anyone you think might be feeling ostracised or lonely. Don’t be a bystander. Thank you.